I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
