I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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