The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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