im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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