so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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