Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
