one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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