We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
