Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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