There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
