My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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