I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
