Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
