Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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