i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
