ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
