i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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