i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
