She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
