At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
