your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
