New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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