Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
