so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
