i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Even my vagina gasped.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I am available for nakedness
false alarm, still single
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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