Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
