shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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