just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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