I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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