Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
