there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize