sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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