Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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