dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
