so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
