She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I'm always down for nudity.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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