Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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