I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Can I color on your dick again?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
