Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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