I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
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