I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
