I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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