just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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