Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
