I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
