I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
