Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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