I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
