I wish I could punch you in the face.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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