Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
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