I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
