girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
they need to just BURY HIM!
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
