i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
