I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
