I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize