just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
