I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
