Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
