This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
