Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
