Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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