His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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