Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
