Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
