Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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