well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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